Last emailed post because I’m blocking hotmail as well. I’ve deactivated Facebook, turned off my phone and set Nuclear Mode to 95 hours - meaning I shouldn’t be reachable by anything other than email (gmail and UTORmail) until Friday at 3pm. The phone will be on if I leave my house, else it will remain off/ on airplane mode. If there’s anything that requires my urgent attention, feel free to ring the doorbell at my house.
I don’t know how it goes.
How to phrase the words
How to say it and -
That when I was three
The dreams began
And I was left behind.
That when I was five
Walking down hallways with my mother
Seeing lockers, locks, numbers and secrets
I felt hope drive out of me
And that was the first time I considered
The complete absence of being.
It was a small thing, but so is Hope
And Despair feels so much larger.
That when I was seven
I first read the words
I first saw the articles
I first understood that I wasn’t alone.
And I wanted to join them.
That when I was ten,
I would look over to the tracks across the street
And wonder how it would feel to stare the lights down
To smile as they blared their horn
To feel everything, and then
That when I was thirteen
I nearly strangled myself in the girl’s bathroom
With a necklace
And all I could feel were apologies
Bursting from the cracks of my lips where I still struggled
For air, for something of the world
I nearly drowned in a stall
And all I could taste was disappointment
In the salt of the tears
Washing down my face.
They didn’t understand
They had their rules to follow
And for that, I suffered.
That when I was sixteen
I put myself in your hands
Tightening around my neck
And all I could think was
“At least this solves the problem of my finding a method”
Or when madness claimed you
I peacefully stared at the knife in your hand
A silent prayer for endings and beginnings.
That when I was eighteen
I wore the marks on my arms
And I didn’t care to hide them
Because it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
The ending would have wiped the slate clean.
But they only faded.
That when I was nineteen
I still considered opening a window
And tasting the thrill of doomed flight.
But I am nineteen still, and I am still here.
Grounded and flightless.
There’s more that I wanted to say, but can’t find a way to express.
How can you break their hearts like that?
To tap forth disappointment, to look into their eyes
To look down and beseech apology
“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, I promise”
“I just need to figure things out”
To extinguish their hopes as you did your own?
How do you tell people that you were born waiting to die?
Tis the season for dinner dances
This is mentioned because I saw “suggested events” and I wanted to comment somewhere.
There’s MIE and EngSci coming up. I’m not close enough with any engscis to be invited to that one (and I have the convenient excuse of YHack) and to be completely honest, I don’t think I’ll attend any except my own. Given that team fees are going up for ID this year, I doubt I’ll have two nickels to my name by the end of the year.
What I really wanted to comment on actually, are the themes. I’ll get engsci out of the way first.
Masquerade. Can one come up with a less original theme? At least it’s on Halloween so it somewhat ties into things beyond just “masks ? fancier ball : fancy ball” (don’t judge me - I’m verilog-ing). But the number of high school dance things that were themed like that, beyond the confines of my own school and in nooks and crannies everywhere.
MIE in Wonderland is a bit better, but let’s see. We did this for Music Banquet in 2010. They had a bouncy castle dueling thing at Le Parc, so unless MIE rustles up something like that, I doubt I’d go. Besides, there’s one dress that would be perfect and it’s cutesy and Burton’s AiW enough but lol I don’t tell my parents I go out and I’d need to tell them to bring it if I went. But then I wore it last year and I like to put a couple of events between my dress-wearing events. I envy guys and their ability to get away with one suit and maybe a couple of dress shirts and ties.
And I mentioned the cost earlier, but those ticket prices.. Engsci dinner dance is $70-75. Prom only cost me $80 for early-bird tickets. MIE is $55-60. Music banquet was $45 - and we knew everyone, got loot and cool things and bouncy castles (at least we did in grade nine). How fancy are these places? And of course, people are of legal drinking age (at least, most upper years are) so there’s that cost factored in. I don’t even drink. Tragedy of the commons ensures that prices will be kept up high.
Also MB desserts were the best part every year and nothing will ever compare.
Because I need to budget early, I’ve already decided that I’m going to attend Cannonball (perks of a Bnad jersey), maybe ECE (maybe not? Who knows - I might choose to be antisocial again lololol) and maybe T1 (though I’ve been completely uninvolved in anything and everything Skule related so they might not bother me too much) and maybe S-Dance (though I’ve seen what it was like and I was less than impressed - though I now have received the memo and found the shortest dress in my closet I can wear there).
Then again, I don’t know if I’ll go with the Bnad - apparently Tony wanted to go to CBall last year and I didn’t mention it early enough and we had to make do with EightBall, which is, admittedly, pretty sad in comparison. Fun but sad. And actually, I can’t even say it was that fun. C and I left rather early that night, especially since Tony had to leave early and there wasn’t much point in sticking around when your date (and anti-wingman, bless him) has to leave. If he has time, I might tell him to actually come to Cannonball and then I’d have to actually go.
There’s nothing like having an anti-date so you can keep the creeps at bay. Thank goodness KCS didn’t get PEY and has to graduate next year.
And thank goodness we looked so good together that it was passing act.
Norman just asked me if he could use my chopsticks.
Apparently he just ordered Chinese food.
Meanwhile, today I ate more rice and leftover things with a spoon.
One thing you’re excited for
Considering that I started this 30-day challenge on August 24 with Abigael and she’s been done for a month now, I might as well write this one and get it over with.
I am excited for YHack, if not for the actual work, then the opportunity to be kilometers (to miles!) away from the sources of mes soucis in the company of those people I love. A small vacation from my current life, for the lack of a better, not-clichéd term. I don’t need the free swag or the empty calories of meals, nor do I really need the calling cards of different companies when there are so many more-and-actually qualified people out there, but it’s nice to pretend sometimes.
Also, I don’t mind seeing my friends from other universities again. Leon, you’re going to YHack, oui?
Last year I was excited for May 18th and the end of IB exams and the hopeful potential of summer and university. It’s strange to think that was only a little over a month ago and how do the blades of a fan turn.